I keep thinking Zoe would be better off without me. And I can’t stop coming up with ways I could make that happen.

Emily had dealt with patients who were experiencing suicidal ideation only a handful of times before, but never when they were in the middle of a crisis like this. Never when it was a patient she cared about as much as Tessa. Her heart raced, knowing that everything she chose to say could have life-or-death repercussions. She took a deep breath. She really wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be strong for anyone right now. But she would do it. For Tessa, for Zoe. Did something specific happen to make you feel this way? she typed. She thought about calling, but if this was how Tessa had felt comfortable reaching out, this was how she would respond. She didn’t want to risk calling and then Tessa not picking up and going silent. She didn’t want to be too intrusive.

Chris left us today. I can’t do this alone. I’m staring at a bottle of sleeping pills right now. I just need someone to take care of Zoe.

Adrenaline raced through Emily’s body. This was even more serious than she’d first thought. She’d seen Tessa on Friday. She had seemed like she was struggling but not like she was suicidal. Emily needed to risk a phone call. She needed Tessa to hear her voice. I’m going to call you, Emily typed. Please pick up. She pressed the button that would call Tessa’s phone.

“Dr. Gold?” Tessa said, after the phone rang once.

Emily breathed a sigh of relief. “Tessa,” she said. “I’m here. We’ll figure this out. Can you do me a favor, though? Can you walk into another room?” She knew easy access to things like weapons or medications made suicide more likely. Would Tessa leave the room and leave the pills behind?

There was the sound of movement on the other end of the line. “Okay,” she said. “I’m walking into the bedroom.”

“Great,” Emily said. “Thank you.” Her mind was scrolling through options. She could tell her to go to the ER. She could meet her at the ER. But what if Tessa didn’t go? What if she hung up after that suggestion and Emily never heard from her again? She could call the police, but she didn’t want to put Tessa on hold and risk losing her completely. She knew she wasn’t supposed to do it, but the only choice that felt right was going to Tessa in person. Assessing her when they were face to face. She didn’t care if she was breaking protocol. She was too afraid of what might happen if she didn’t. “Will you tell me where you are? I’m going to come over and help you.” Emily worried Tessa wouldn’t answer. That she’d hang up.