In my heart, you live on, not speaking, never guiding, but always present. Watching. Waiting. You fill all the dark, empty spaces and places within me. Always have done. Nathan knew that. We never spoke about it – but he knew. There’s a part of my heart that is yours and yours alone, Callum. That makes me feel so guilty. I loved Nathan – in my way. He knew that too. But it was nothing like the way I loved … love you, Callum. You and I – we were beyond breath, beyond body, beyond reason. You and I were … I can’t think of a word big enough, wide enough, deep enough. Or maybe I can. We were … love.

I miss you so much. Even after all these years, I miss you.

Falling in love with you was the easy part. Being in love with you? That’s what tore my heart to shreds. If you had lived, would we still be together? Would we have faced all the enmity and adversity the world could throw at us and emerged bloody but unbowed, or would this world have found a way to drive an insurmountable wedge between us? I wonder about that. A lot.

But d’you want to know the strange thing? On this unkind October early morning, I’ve never felt closer to you. Perhaps it’s fitting that it should be the festival night that Noughts call Halloween because it feels like, if I were to turn my head slightly, I’d see you sitting on the bed right behind me. It’s as if you’re out of sight, out of reach – but only just.

Wistful thinking?

Or wishful thinking?

Callum, the world has grown older and colder since we were together. Our daughter is in trouble and my son, Troy, is missing – and I don’t know what to do about either. I want to scream, but I’m afraid that if I start I won’t be able to stop because I can’t help thinking that I somehow brought all this down on my children. I’m responsible for this. I thought I could take care of Dan Jeavons. Callie and Troy are both paying for that mistake.

Welcome to Karma Café. Sit anywhere you like. There is no menu. You get what you deserve.