Oliver Bigson, famous Nought actor-director, has condemned what he called the ‘constant poverty-porn images of Noughts bombarding our screens’. Bigson, star of blockbuster films such as Mr Greenrock, Angel in Denim and Vampires of Drea, spoke out yesterday while a guest on The Robert Pierre Show. He said, ‘It’s a shame that here we are in the twenty-first century and yet Noughts and Nought children in particular are very rarely onscreen unless it’s in recordings for various charities where they are seen to be suffering. The constant trickle of poverty-porn images of Noughts is demeaning. Is it any wonder that most Crosses in all the countries in Zafrika believe that Albion is a third-world, second-class country full of Noughts who can’t exist without Cross aid?’

Stella Sharples, a patron of Albion Aid, condemned Bigson’s statement, saying, ‘We are not trying to give the impression that every Nought in Albion is suffering, but the fact remains that there are many Noughts who struggle every day to not just make ends meet but to put a roof over their heads and food on the table. The basics. All we’re requesting is a little help from those who have a lot for those who have too little.’

twenty-seven. Tobey

Hellsake! I’d already made a couple of phone calls and was now pacing up and down the sitting room. A caged tiger had nothing on me. Confinement was really doing my head in. A run would help, otherwise I was stuck in my apartment, cooling my heels until Jon Duba got back to me. That man was something else, coming to my apartment so early and uninvited.

Reluctantly, I was willing to take all the help I could get. I’d given him every bit of information I had and he’d promised that, with his contacts, he’d know Troy and Libby’s whereabouts by lunchtime. That didn’t stop me sending him a text message, nor him replying in his inimitable style.

Today 08:12

I want you to update me on the hour every hour until my daughter is found.

Are you kidding me? Do you want me to actually do some work or should I just play text volleyball with you all day long? Pick one.

OK, but when you find out their location you are to immediately inform me.

When I find them, my first priority will be to get them to safety, then I’ll contact you. You’ve got to trust me to do my job or this isn’t going to work.

You are a rude pain in the arse.

Back atcha. Some advice. Find a less arrogant tone when you text people. If you spoke to me the way you text, you and I would be trading bitch-slaps by now. Now stop texting me and let me do my thing.