The girl looks confused, and George, full of carbs and salt and warmth, ploughs on: ‘Don’t know what you’re on about. Bloody teenagers, all on drugs.’ Then he sweeps out with crumbs on his coat and a bit of cheese on his cheek. ‘Paninis, eh?’ he says to Poppy on the bus home. ‘Who’d have bloody thought it?’

Dan

(I just called to say)

AS PER HIS PROMISE to try harder, Dan is standing in the chemist’s, trying to pick condoms. He plans to surprise Atticus by being the prepared one, but it’s not going well. He’s been here for fifteen minutes already, peering at them discreetly, while Fitz, bored, whines outside.

Just pick one, Dan thinks to himself, but he can’t. He likes twos, but the second row is dedicated to ribbed condoms, and Dan can’t see how many ribs there are. There might be nineteen. He hates the number nineteen. He moves to the sixth row along, sixth row down, but they are flavoured. Nope. He tries eighth across, eighth down, but they are extra-lubricated. Is that what Atticus buys, or will he be insulted? Is extra lubrication good or bad?

‘Can I help you, sir?’ A girl is standing in front of him with a ‘Here to help’ badge on.

‘No, thanks,’ he says. ‘I’m fine.’

The girl smiles at him. ‘Honestly, you can ask me any questions. I don’t mind.’ She points to the ribbed condoms. ‘I like these ones.’

‘Right,’ Dan says. ‘Good stuff.’

‘And these ones,’ she says, pointing to Durex Invisible. ‘You can hardly feel them at all.’

‘Great,’ Dan says, his face on fire.

Fitz barks twice. SOS.

‘Got to go,’ Dan blurts out. ‘My dog is barking.’

Outside the shop, Fitz looks at Dan. Dan knows that if he could speak, Fitz would say, ‘Really? All that time and you come out with nothing? Lame, dude. Super-lame.’

‘I know.’ Dan thinks of Atticus’s disappointment and groans.

‘Fine. Wait there.’ He marches back in and picks up the Invisible, ribbed and strawberry Durex, tossing them onto the counter with a tube of lube.

The girl smiles and says, ‘Lovely selection. I’ve not tried the strawberry. Maybe you’ll let me know how you get on with them.’

As Dan is stuffing the condoms in his backpack, the girl holds out the receipt and says, ‘Hey, are you Luke’s brother?’

‘Cousin.’

‘Oh, you look so similar. How is he?’

Oh, shit, not this. Dan realizes he’s been talking to Smurf-girl, only now her hair is peach. He tries to remember if Luke slept with her or not. Did they date? Who dumped whom?

‘He’s, um, good. We’re training for an Ironman. It’s hard work. He’s very busy. I hardly see him,’ Dan blathers, getting the rucksack zip caught in the plastic bag in his haste to be out of the shop.