When Pops died I tried to hide my tears from Ian, but he saw me crying and told me to get over myself and move on. ‘He was an old man, for God’s sake. At least you don’t have to take that ridiculous trip now,’ he said, folding his arms as if to signify the matter was settled.

I felt a pulse of dread. I knew what was coming. ‘What do you mean?’ I said, hating myself for the quiver in my voice.

‘You’re not going all that way on your own. You don’t have to now.’

He had always hated the thought of me taking the trip. It was, and always had been, a ticket for one.

Ian tried everything to sway me – from refusing to acknowledge my presence by ignoring every word I said, to blaming me for his inability to get a job. I was making him miserable, dragging him down. He wanted me to cash in the ticket so he could have a share of the refund.

‘You only ever think of yourself,’ he repeated over and over again.

I came close to giving in, as I had done so many times before, but I thought of Pops and how much he had wanted me to go. So I refused to be swayed by Ian’s accusations that I was self-centred, thoughtless, inconsiderate; his threats to somehow hijack the holiday; his almost deranged bouts of anger as he paced the living room.

The arguments left me weak, exposed and increasingly aware of the number of times I had backed down during the year that Ian and I have been together, feeling I was the one in the wrong, the one who didn’t understand how difficult I made life for the two of us. This time it was different. I saw Pops’ face, his eyes telling me to be brave, to stand up for myself, to break the pattern.

I waited until the day before I was due to leave. I had been practising my lines for days, but I still stumbled over the words as I told Ian it was over between us. I wanted him to move out of my house while I was away. As I spoke I felt a shiver of fear. I couldn’t meet his eyes, scared of what I would see there, and by the time I boarded the plane I felt battered and bruised by all that had happened.

I didn’t realise how vulnerable I was. Maybe that was my mistake.

I need to forget Ian and focus on how lucky I am to be here.