I feel a sob building and I don’t have the strength to fight it. It’s a life sentence, whichever way I look at it. And which is worse? I don’t know. I need time to think. I need my head to be clear of the last of the drugs.

‘Make no mistake, though. Once you have made the decision to stay, you can’t choose to leave in a week, a month, a year. By then we would certainly be guilty of harbouring a criminal. At the moment we could say we didn’t know, but that will become increasingly difficult as time goes on. You go now, or you stay.’

I don’t know if I am capable of making that decision without time to think, but before the options have sunk in, he starts talking again.

‘This needs to be a symbiotic relationship. Do you understand what that means, Judith?’

I nod my head.

‘We need to develop a relationship based on trust. We will support and protect you, and slowly I’ll help you to relive the impulses that drove you to kill, so that both of us benefit from that knowledge.’

I don’t understand how this will work. I don’t remember killing Ian, and I tell the doctor that I’m not sure I can help him. He just smiles and nods his head slowly.

‘I know. You’ve blocked it from your mind. Relax now. I’ll take you back to the moment so you can be freed of your confusion and doubt. You will once again lift that hammer high, feel the swish of air as it swings down. I’ll help you to recall the sense of climax as Ian’s control over you was relinquished, and the elation you felt as you eradicated him from this world.’

When I go back down to the basement the two women are sitting at the kitchen table, resting their chins on their upturned hands. They must be able to see my confusion. I feel as if the energy has been sapped from my body by the doctor’s words, so with little more than a glance in their direction I walk past and go to my room.

I need time to think. I know that I don’t want to go to prison. I have always wanted children, and by the time I get out I will be too old. That is only a fraction of my fear, but it is the only part that I can look square in the face. The others are shadows, creeping at the edge of my consciousness – dangers and horrors I don’t even want to contemplate.