While she has been assassinating my character by proxy, Carly has shepherded me into a chair inside a small, brightly lit, mirrored room. I notice that my skin has turned a very pale shade of grey, and my mouth is hanging wide open. ‘Anyway, I’ll leave you with Hope, who’ll make you look gorgeous. Not that you don’t already! See you in a bit.’

Hope is a short, round and smiley woman. She looks at me with such kindness that I long to weep into her soft pink jumper until she feels sorry enough for me to take me home and put me to bed. ‘Imogen, haven’t you got lovely thick hair? It’s all right, sweetie, you can relax. I think I’m going to make you look really glowy! No one likes that Dora, we all call her Dora the Dragon. You can be young and gorgeous, and she can be all scaly!’ I giggle, although now that I’ve seen Dora up close, she’s more Dragon’s Blood Facial than withered old lizard. Ordinarily, I’d find Hope’s patter patronising, but right now, it’s strangely soothing. She can call me ‘sweetie’—at least she’s not going to call me a bad feminist.

Facing the mirror, I watch my reflection telling Hope ‘I’ve never done this before, I’m really nervous. In fact, I tried to get out of it, but my boss made me go,’ I blurt, before Hope silences me with the tickle of a brush against the corner of my lip. ‘Shhh, sorry, I just need you to keep still for a minute. Honestly, it will be over so quickly, these things only go on for five or ten minutes and then the next one will be up.’

Closing my eyes, as Hope applies powder, I sense various brushes being flicked deftly against my face. Her strokes seem fluid and sure, the work of a confident artist, but her stream of chatter never stops, blending with the background burble of the radio. ‘I’ve just blow dried a vegan, and I reckon Chuck will be saving his vitriol for them. We’ve been watching him on the monitor,’ Hope stops brushing. I assume she’s pointing at Chuck, live on TV, but I can’t actually see. ‘He’s been pretty mellow with most of the guests today, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.’

A tickling sensation against my cheek indicates that Hope is back to work, but she does not stop chatting. ‘Seriously, we get so many complaints when Dora is on—not actual complaints but angry tweets, people really hate her. We had that nice girl from Love Island on with her, I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but Dora savaged her. Even Chuck said Dora might be The Most Hated Woman in Britain.’