‘Um…oh, God, when was it?’ I count on my fingers. ‘Thursday night, I think? It wasn’t very exciting, just this guy I sort of see in emergencies.’ Sam Strong had lured me over with the promise of an Uber Eats from Park Chinois—I put out for the venison puffs.

Kim giggles. ‘What counts as an emergency? Extreme horniness?’

‘Honestly, it’s because my flat is a bit of a dump and he’s got this amazing rainforest shower.’

Kim nods. ‘But what about, you know, lurve? Shouldn’t you be looking for something exciting?’

I sigh heavily. ‘I realise I should probably start dating properly, but God, it’s no fun. You sort of know how awful the date would be before you swipe. I’ve tried being choosy, I’ve tried being open minded, and no matter what I do I’m choosing between a squadron of Ultimate Frisbee players, with a token wannabe freelance environmental campaigner who has strong and unsolicited opinions about why I need to stop using tampons.’

Kim nods. ‘You’re talking about hetero men. Nothing but plankton in the fish tank, baby. It’s a total shit show. A bleak scene.’

‘Well, I don’t only date men, but, to be honest…I’m not doing a great job of properly dating anyone, at the moment. When did you last have sex?’ I ask. He’s desperate to tell us, he’s squirming in his seat.

‘Oh, you know, about…’ he examines his wrist. He is not wearing a watch. ‘Maybe four hours ago!’

‘What? How do you look so…well rested?’

‘I got up really early to go to the gym, there’s a guy on reception that I’ve been crushing on for months. A swimmer, right?! Anyway, after things ended with my ex, I was so, so low. I’ve had three months of just barely feeling it at all, barely feeling anything, and now…you know those TV shows where they buy this rusty old car that doesn’t even have an engine, and they fix it up and make it shiny?’ I nod. ‘Well, I feel shiny again.’ Louise’s mouth is open. She is gazing at Kim with undisguised envy.

‘Kim, I am delighted for you!’ I say. ‘Louise, maybe you should join his gym?’

‘Well, I,’ poor Louise has gone pink, and I feel terrible. I’m trying to bond, I don’t want her to feel awkward. ‘When I say six months—does phone sex count?’