The most awful thing was hearing the lightness in Jen’s voice. Knowing that at some imperceptible point in her speech, she had made up her mind. And I’d missed the chance to derail her train of thought, to pull the emergency lever that might bring this to a screeching halt, and now she is gathering speed.

‘But if you go home…’ The thought was fully formulated, filling my mouth like blood, and I had to swallow my raw need back down. If you go home, I will have no one. No one to wonder and worry when I’m late or lost. The little light in my world will die, and I will fade away. I will be a ghost. I squeezed my eyes tightly against the saltwater sting and tried again. ‘It’s different for you. I can’t go home.’

‘But surely…maybe…it might be OK, just for a few months? Or maybe you could come and live with us?’

I shook my head. ‘I don’t think I can. You’d be a great teacher, but what would I do? Mum would worry, Dad would be unbearable, I’d just be another mouth to feed. And if I stayed with you—I’d worry about wearing out my welcome. Mum would be heartbroken that I’d rather live with you and Su, Dad—if he noticed—would be furious with me about it, Mum would want to give Su some money for my keep and she doesn’t have…it,’ I was crying now, I couldn’t stop it. ‘Jen, I’m trapped. Going back to Devon might be your nuclear option, but it’s an option. And if you go, how will I…will I…’

‘Maybe I can keep paying my share of the rent for a couple of months?’

‘NO! I mean—how will I do any of this? I’m going to be so…lonely.’

We both cried ourselves to sleep. When I woke up, I nursed the faintest hope that Jen would have changed her mind, blaming an especially bad day, or that the Independent would immediately hire her on a full salary with a mattress allowance. But over the next few days, we gave our notice on our room. We looked through the bowels of the internet, I seriously contemplated going to Archway to meet a man who was advertising for a woman who would live with him for free ‘in exchange for nightly visits’, until Jen said the Sam Strong thing was bad enough. (I’d have moved in with Sam Strong in half a heartbeat if he hadn’t made it very clear that I wasn’t allowed to entertain that thought.)