It’s not unusual to see swarms of police cars converging on Soho, so I don’t look up when I hear the first siren. Or the second one. But the noise is getting nearer. Then there’s the muffled squawk of a megaphone. ‘Oh my God, DRAMA!’ yells Kim. Then he turns pale.

‘I might have the tiniest bit of MDMA in a baggie in my jacket. Do you think this is it? Am I getting busted?’

‘Yeah, sure. They are sending most of the Met to arrest you for that. We will visit you in prison,’ I say, solemnly. ‘Although—who knows? I might be in the next cell! I’m always convinced that I might have broken some obscure law, without knowing it. You know, they will suddenly decide to enforce something from the fourteenth century about women wearing hats every third Wednesday. Lou, have you ever broken the law?’

‘Look at her! Louise hasn’t ever broken a New Year’s resolution!’ says Kim, ruffling her hair.

‘Well,’ says Louise, flushing, ‘I did eat swan once.’

‘What? When? How?’ This is not the answer I was expecting.

‘It was at university, I’m not proud of it. Some boys found one and barbecued it, I think it died of natural causes, but…I was quite ill, afterwards.’

Kim clutches his chest. ‘Oh, sweet Louise, you’re breaking my heart! This is like something out of Little House On The Prairie, desperate homesteaders, trying to stop yourself from starving, in the English wilderness…’

Louise looks confused. ‘Well, Jamie, who cooked the swan, his dad is the earl of— ’

‘Oh my GOD! Have they come for her? What is going on? What is happening?’ Kim has spotted something. Through the window, if I bend down, I can just about see a policeman, a policewoman and a familiar figure between them. Fawn tweed, glossy, glossy hair, a brown furry coat draped over her shoulders. She is being led into the Cleveland van that is parked on the pavement. Is this what Harri was going on about the other night? I did not see this coming.

Kim whistles. ‘Damn, that woman gives good felon. Very Anna Delvey. That coat!’ He kisses his fingers. ‘So they weren’t after my stash after all! We could have a quick celebratory breakfast…no?’

‘Dude, you’re halfway through a kale smoothie. Is your body a temple, or is it Disney World?’ I snap, feeling slightly aggrieved. Kim keeps telling me that the sugar in my pain au chocolat is another panic attack waiting to happen.

‘Can’t it be both? Anyway, what the hell is happening? Does anyone know?’

Louise turns to me. ‘Immo, you seem to have been spending a lot of time with Harri lately, has she mentioned anything?’