Moving my head to the right, ostensibly so that Michelle can kiss my neck, I peer into the darkness, curious—and a little nervous—about what Vizzini might be doing. (I must find out his name before I call him that.) Oh, God. His black suit trousers are concertina’d into pleated puddles around his ankles. Three shirt buttons are open, his bow tie—bow tie? How did I not notice a bow bloody tie?—is loose around his neck. His underwear is black, short, plain, inoffensive—but he’s really getting stuck into it. Even though I can barely see, I’m aware of pale flesh being pumped furiously, a grunting metronome. Maybe this is all he needs. We’ll manufacture a few moments of real-life girl on girl, he’ll come, and I’ll be back on the bus and on my way to a deliciously greasy takeaway before you can say ‘cheesy chips with doner meat’.

Michelle is kissing my mouth again, tensing her tongue and pushing it into mine, with a rapid, stabbing motion. Why? Also, she seems to be stroking my back in a strange and uncomfortable way. It takes me slow seconds to realise she’s trying to undo my bra and struggling. Out of politeness, I reach and pop the clasp open. Which was silly, because when I had my bra on, I could escape with a little dignity. There is a tiny angel Imogen on my shoulder, shrieking ‘Make it stop! Make it stop!’ Not for any kind of moral reason, just a generalised horror response. It knows about the very bad sex I am definitely about to have in the name of journalism.

Even though my eyes are shut tight, I’m aware that Vizzini has moved towards us. Michelle is pinching my nipples as forcefully as a spiteful child. I don’t not like it. It’s sort of thrillingly horrible, strangely centring, forcing me into the moment. Michelle’s bare breasts feel fascinating, warm, yet immoveable. Obviously fake—but so upright, buoyant, unignorable that they might be the most authentic thing in the building. I don’t usually hate my breasts, but they wobble, they slope a little when unfettered—to her, they must look and feel like ghosts.