It sounds a little too close to home. ‘I’ve got this idea in my head that thirty is the finish line, that if I’ve not done anything good by then, it’s not going to happen for me. And the closer it gets, the harder it is to be inspired and excited and believe I’ve got a shot at achieving my dreams. In fact, I’m not even sure I could tell you what my dreams are. Until a couple of months ago, everything was so relentlessly disappointing that I was struggling to feel any hope at all. I had so much, but it was almost used up. Even now, I’m holding my breath, waiting for something to go horribly wrong. Every time I’ve got a proper job, the publication has folded after about six months. I think I might be a jinx.’

Akila laughs. ‘Love, that’s not you, that’s publishing. But—I don’t mean to sound condescending—you are young. Some of the best advice I had was “you’re going to be thirty anyway”. Or forty, or fifty, or whatever. We all give ourselves these arbitrary goals. Sometimes they motivate us, most of the time, we allow them to crush us. Don’t not do anything because you’re scared that you’ll run out of time. We’re all constantly running out of time when you think about it. That’s a very morbid way of saying Happy Birthday!’

Louise is back, followed by two flustered women, who are both struggling under the weight of a giant wooden tray. ‘Which one of you is vegan?’ asks the shorter woman aggressively, in the tone another person might use to say ‘Which one of you just ran over my mother’s dog?’ Akila and I exchange a look, each daring the other to mention a dietary requirement. I suppose you could call it Vegan Chicken. I’m ravenous, and my hands hover over—ooooh, a tiny cheese toasty, glistening under the fairy lights.

Instinctively, I look to Louise for permission, and she nods curtly. ‘I think you have us confused with a different booking. No one here is vegan.’ Where’s Kim gone? I think he tried Veganuary for a bit. Except eggs. And KFC.

‘Well,’ says the taller woman, determined to score some points. ‘The herbal puff parcels are vegan, they are made with wheat free almond flour, toasted nutritional yeast, and dandelion protein, and we have lots more in the kitchen if the vegan in the party does arrive. Because. We were told. To Expect. A Vegan. And Chef went to some trouble.’ The toastie is in my hand. In order to prevent myself from laughing, I wedge the whole thing in my mouth.