I was to wear a pink suit. It was heavy wool, a box jacket would hide the bump, the skirt was knee-length. It had been bought in Harper’s, the Protestant drapers in the town, so that no tales could be carried to Catholic neighbours. There was a pair of pink plastic shoes. The only white was the tights.

–  Try your hardest to do something with that awful hair? Even you should make the effort to look nice on your wedding day!

The shoebox was on my lap. I pulled them out and put them on the bed. Wasn’t that bad luck, new shoes on a bed? I dragged the tights on and over the tiny bump and got into the itchy, scratchy suit.

The track of my mother’s fingers still showed on my cheek. In pure badness, I combed my awful hair into two high pigtails and tied them with big white bows so that everyone could enjoy them. White, pink, pink, white, different pink – that was better. If you can’t wear pigtails on your wedding day when you’re knocked up, lonely, broken-hearted and sixteen, when can you wear them? What was Joe Loughrey doing today, far, far away in the US of A?

I put on too much black eyeliner with a shaky hand, and a big slash of pink lipstick, and tried to ignore the fact that my chin wouldn’t stop wobbling and no amount of swallowing hard helped. I hung at the door for a moment, both hands steadying me in the frame. The bed had a dent in it where I’d lain all morning. I couldn’t wait to crawl back into it and pull the covers over my head. If the monsters can’t see you, they can’t steal you. The clock ticked. I had to go, ready or not.

The effect on Mammy was just what I wanted. She looked away in disgust and tutted as if to say let her have her snotty way just one more time and then we’ll deal with her later. The effect on Daddy was not what I wanted. I still wanted him to love me, to look after me.

–  Mary, he says flinching, I think that might be a bit much.

A bit much? A bit much? I was being married off to a man who barely acknowledged I was alive and who didn’t even have anything to do with the bump, but black eyeliner and pigtails was a bit much?

–  I don’t think it is, Daddy, I think it’s just fine.

He nodded and I knew then that I would go quietly, I’d never be bold enough to act the blackguard when Daddy was doing his duty. He’d not said a cross word to me. I couldn’t hurt him again.