I only coped up at The Hill without Kathleen because I had Lizzie Magee and the precious few nights when I got to stay with her and her bonkers family. It only happened if there was a bomb scare that would keep the work bus out of town and I couldn’t be picked up in the Austin Maxi because the roads were blocked with Saracens. Me and Lizzie were delighted by Unexpected Acts of Violence! I would never have been allowed otherwise.

Mrs Magee, Lizzie’s mammy who said that I could call her Sheila, bought me a toothbrush and I couldn’t have been more chuffed if she handed me the night sky and every star in it. Just seeing it in the mug in the bathroom swelled my heart.

Their house was light and not just because Sheila had painted nearly every wall a different shade of peach puke. I loved everything about them, from their shop-bought bread to their cheap lino that you weren’t afraid to walk on because you knew it hadn’t been washed in a month. We jumped on the sofa, we lay on the floor. We could watch cartoons and Coronation Street without even begging. It was heaven.

When Dessie came in from the garage he fell to smooching with Sheila right in front of us! I was always delighted when he had a word for me too. I soaked it up.

–  And who’s this? Eh? Is that Mary Rattigan, youngest contestant on the Miss Donegal parade? Is it? It’s somebody bloody lovely lookin’ anyways, that’s all I have to say. Mind you, it’s a bit like a beauty pageant every day in this house!

–  Dessie Magee, you’ve all the charm of a snake, says Sheila with an eye-roll.

We all laughed like he was the funniest man on the planet. I dreaded the minute that always came when I had to leave them.

My mother had given them a strict list of all the things I was not to have: fizzy pop, baked beans, Fray Bentos, Vesta curries, Swiss rolls, biscuits, sweets, everything delicious and everything that they actually lived on. She had hoped it would put them off me, make me look fussy, but no, they rose to the challenge. Sheila did not invest in fresh vegetables, peas and chips came from the freezer, beans came from cans, cabbage was minging, Smash was the greatest thing ever invented, she was never going to wash or peel a spud again. She was sure nobody really needed carrots, fish was always fish fingers – only a lunatic would deal with bones when there was no need.