Her last boy, John Johns, is the luckiest boy in the world. She thinks the sun rises and sets on him. He never takes his head out of his books. He’s so bright, that John Johns, he’s for college, says Mammy often, if only we could figure out where the brains came from. She’d also like to figure out where those long legs and fine shoulders came from when his father, Dan Johns, was nothing more than a drunken little squit!

–  That’s enough of that now, Sadie, in front of the waynes, says Daddy.

–  They know well not to repeat what’s said in this house, she always says, slamming the pan on to the range.

John Johns was in the same class as our Liam and they still pal together. John Johns doesn’t say much. He’s a boarder in Omagh so the few times he’s been at home all I ever see of him is the door closing to the Upper Room where he sleeps. He obviously doesn’t like little girls stealing his biscuits.

His eyes are black and bore into you and out the other side. I’ve only ever seen those eyes on one other man, says Mammy, and it wasn’t on Dan Johns, No Siree Bob! John Johns knows not to cross the threshold at The Hill. He walks on past in his Christian Brothers uniform which makes Mammy spit on the ground.

Mrs Johns knows not to ask me about the lip. Instead we get chatty over a big mug of cocoa and a packet of Bourbons. Johns Farm is the same as The Hill in only one way: what happens inside it stays inside it. I ask her things about my Auntie Eileen because I know she’ll never tell on me. What did she do that was so wrong in America? Is she really a T.R.A.M.P.? Can you have a T.R.A.M.P. as a relative or are they only for other people’s families? Is Bernie really a sure sign of sin? Why did God give her a tongue too big for her mouth if He’s so great?

Will Ireland ever really be free? Will we ever be a nation once again? Why is Mammy always cross? Are you supposed to hit children every time they do something wrong? Does Daddy speak when he’s in Johns Farm? How bad is it that the priest has been sent for to tell Mammy off?

Mrs Johns says that Eileen is no worse than a lot of people. She says Bernie’s an innocent unfortunate soul. She says that other people’s families are not as much cop as they let on and she says don’t fret so much, sure one day you’ll grow up and Mammy can be as angry as she likes when her house is empty.