He looked sad but not sad enough to change his mind. Why won’t my stupid mouth for once let me say the right thing at the right time? I want you, only beautiful you – such a simple thing to say. But because I’m me, things don’t trip off my tongue easily and I start to cry. Salt water is always going to be the bane of my life.

–  Why the tears, Mary? Is it relief?

–  No, it’s not relief! Why would you give up on me now? Now, when we’ve come so far? We could be … happy?

–  You can’t allow yourself to be happy! And what about me? Did you ever think about what you did to me? I waited five years for you to love me, Mary, and every day you looked at me like I was the bogeyman!

–  What did you expect?

–  I expected that you’d come to understand that you were well off!

John sat still in front of me, a rock. He needed to hear from me but I had built too many walls, they wouldn’t all come down in a short afternoon. I was dumb. When I opened my mouth only a sob sailed out. In the end, he gave in to his exasperation.

–  I know you think I robbed your life, Mary, but what would you have done? You were only sixteen, but you were only sixteen and pregnant. Bridie’d had a terrible time in Carncloon and she was more than twice your age and married before. What do you think would have happened if I hadn’t stepped in? I never demanded to know whose child I was rearing at the time – is she Joe Loughrey’s?

–  No. She’s not Joe Loughrey’s. She belongs to a French teacher we had at the convent and, before you ask, he didn’t force me. I wanted to make love!

John nodded, he understood, he understood me and perhaps he’s understood me all along without the use of words. He’d never talked to me because he knew I wouldn’t grace him with my interest. I never talked to him because I was busy holding myself together, holding myself as far away from him as possible. I had been holding in the damage gifted by Mammy and its toleration by Daddy forever, from even before I had got myself into trouble, and I was tired, so tired with the burden of it, it threatened to crush me.

–  I have to go to sleep, I haven’t been well. I need to sleep right now.

–  You can sleep here. It’s early yet.