Vengeance. I didn’t think of myself as a vindictive person, but as I read ahead of Father Matthew, I felt antsy. I rolled the bulletin and put it in my purse, already imagining where I would hang this quote on my mirror. A lesson, a reminder when things got rough.

I felt rude leaving in the middle of the service, but I needed to be outside. I needed to talk to Charlotte. I needed to talk to Iris. I needed to get to the bottom of what I had just seen on that phone screen. I tapped Bonnie’s arm and gestured to the door, mouthing, I have to run.

She looked concerned as I slid out. I took a deep breath as I stepped outside onto the brick walk, surrounded by azalea bushes, oak trees, and a weeping willow that had to be hundreds of years old. The way the light filtered through the canopy of old branches above me was one of my favorite things about this church. It felt like God was everywhere here, like you could smell him, see him, reach out and touch him.

I stood for a minute or so, savoring the warmth of the sun on my face and body, thinking about where I went next. Home. And then where? I had so many scores to settle today. What would I choose first? Worry welled in my chest. Was Charlotte hiding something from me? Was she in cahoots with a man who was the most painful part of an undeniably painful past?

As I walked to the car, I had the most uncomfortable feeling that someone was following me. The town streets were busy and crowded, so what made me think that? This was the price I paid for a life of trauma, of loneliness, of being left. Anxiety crept up on me at the oddest moments.

I tried to shake off the feeling. This was part of why I loved having a full house so much. I felt safe. Then again, more people came with more baggage, more scars, more risk. Maybe more than I had even considered. Yet as I drove through town, I felt like if I could just get home, all of these bad feelings would go away. If I had learned anything from years of living by the ocean, it was that even my biggest problems could—eventually—be washed away by the tide.

Charlotte Gambling