PIC 1: The mayor’s wife debuted not only her new emerald necklace (a birthday gift from her husband) but also her new décolletage (a birthday gift from her surgeon).

PIC 2: Monday’s carpool line got a little more awkward when a single mom and divorcé dad, presumably dating, were broken up by aforementioned divorcé’s very married mistress announcing to the entire party that she was having an affair with him. And then there were three… broken marriages, that is. Jealousy isn’t a good color. But it makes for the very best Instagram fodder.

PIC 3: And who could forget two of Juniper Shores’ most beautiful, put-together housewives resorting to hair pulling in a particularly heated battle for the live auction trip to the Amangiri? It’s okay, ladies, we’ve forgotten which one of you ripped out the other’s extensions with her fingernails. (Well, almost.)

PIC 4: We danced late into the night, underneath the stars, reminiscing about the good times, gossiping about the bad, and, oh yes, our purpose: raising the entire year’s budget for the Juniper Shores Arts Council. Ahhhh, what a responsibility and an honor to be a philanthropist.…

TNT (’Til Next Tantrum)

JUNIPER SHORES SOCIALITE

Charlotte Armor

Alice had been right about one thing: this dress was a little like armor. Spanxed and corseted into my gown, cleavage high, hair higher, and feathers adorning my head, I felt like I was someone else, like I was play-acting at being a Juniper Shores housewife. And that was 100 percent exactly what I needed to get through what was sure to be a difficult night.

Belle Epoque on the Beach was Bill’s favorite event of the year. Well, to be fair, it was most people’s favorite event. If you loved a good party, you were pretty much guaranteed to have a great time. If you couldn’t be happy here, you couldn’t be happy, I remembered as we walked up to the check-in table. Every year when I came to this event, I felt confident, sparkling, alive. But that was because no one could make me feel that way quite like Bill, who would have told me how beautiful I looked, how no costume would be able to match mine. I would feel so loved, so special, that I couldn’t help but walk taller.

Tonight was a different story. I didn’t want to walk tall; I wanted to duck.