I don’t answer their questions and I wonder about the reason I take these notions upon myself to deny pleasure. Something inside me knows, or at least suspects, that this kind of denial, if taught early enough, will stand the lads in good stead. I don’t want them to grow up thinking that they are entitled to anything and everything on a whim, I want them to learn about sacrifice and how, if they wait, good things will come to them, that they will be the better for it. Instead I tell the boys not to be smart and I instruct Maeve to collect the KitKat wrappers that are being taken on the arms of the wind.

I head over to the clubhouse after bringing in the nets with Maurice. Maeve buys hot chocolate for Mikey and Joey in the shop and they sit contentedly in the chairs by the door. The wind has died down somewhat and there is a heartening feeling in the way the sun shines through the clubhouse door.

I go to the jacks and stand at the wash hand basin. I tell myself to be brave, to grip this work situation by the balls. It’s only a small thing, yet it feels immense. I tell myself that I should know better than to have let my guard down in front of Susan, Head of Personnel. Her easy tongue. I shouldn’t go drinking with the office crowd – it’s too dangerous. I cannot always be watching what I say. The stupidity of joining them in the Barge the Thursday before and drunkenly admitting to her I didn’t complete my Business Degree but dropped out after two years. I think about my little white lie at the most peculiar times. Susan has promised not to tell Graham about it, but living with this thing hanging over my head isn’t easy at the best of times.

I peer in the mirror and I notice my pallor. I am whiter than I should be, considering how much I expose myself to the elements. I walk into the toilet cubicle. There’s one ad for the Samaritans on the inside of the door and another one advising us to consider our use of toilet paper in relation to saving the trees of the world. I vomit, making a weak sound, and am grateful to see bits of my earlier fry floating in the toilet bowl. There is a definite taste of acidity in my mouth and my throat burns with it.

8. She Fell for Me Through Dance

July 1995

Nineteen-ninety-five was filled with those beautiful summer nights that you could only dream of. It was what I liked to refer to as perfect concert weather. I wanted to impress Jenny with my sense of cultural appreciation so I brought her to a dance performance in the RHA gallery.