I had her. I had to keep her. I had to continue to make her feel special. I wanted to do it like a mother’s natural inclination to protect her newborn, the delicate skin, the tiny fingernails. My mother always protected me but she couldn’t protect everyone, she couldn’t keep Brian safe. I had to make it right.

I thought about meeting Jenny’s father and how I defended Jenny and her art. How would he feel about Jenny making me come all over myself on the beach, with the sound of the waves gently breaking on the shore and the warmth from her face? Her secret breath.

Through Jenny my interest in art was revived, a world that I thought I’d left behind after art college. One day I picked up my end of year book from college. I was drawn to some work from a guy who I remember. He had taken a photograph of a girl wrapped in plastic. She was naked and the expression on her face was of horror and I found that I was uncomfortable with the image and that discomfort was what made it interesting. I didn’t like it particularly, yet the guy was doing quite well, I had heard people talking about him.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about Jenny’s work, whether it was good enough to provoke such a strong feeling. I talked to her about it. I asked her to sell me her vision. I made all the right noises, fed her with compliments.

She had to be grateful. She often said that she was. She told me that she felt an enormous sense of relief that I understood her work. It was hugely important to her, that I could appreciate the power of it. I told her that it was filled with substance and hope and promise. You had to nourish it like you had to water the remaining buds on an apple tree after the first drop of October.

36. Hanging Out in the City

May 1997

We needed a date night. When I called to her studio she wasn’t ready. She had a couple of paint spatters on her face and she was still wearing her wrecked jeans. I asked her what she was playing at and she started laughing, of course, she was about to change. I joined in myself and I felt a bit strained laughing away like that, she had almost taken me for a fool, something made me want to twist her arm and I grabbed it and I said to her, I could twist your fucking arm.