When you die is it true that you see those whom you have loved on this earth in heaven? If so, if this is the truth, I will meet Mikey and Joey and Maeve on a rollercoaster. I will hold their hands as we rush down great ramps and I will whisper reassurances into their ears as we once again make our ascent. I will tell them that I love them and I will point down to Jenny beneath us and I will say that their mother is afraid to go on a rollercoaster. I will ask them, who is afraid to go on a rollercoaster? And they will answer, laughing, Mommy. Their little eyes will be filled with tears, tears of excitement and joy that I am here strapped in beside them telling them that everything is going to be okay and that we will reach the end of this ride, unscathed. Joey will ask me what unscathed means. I will shout that he’s one of the cleverest boys that I have ever known because he never stops asking questions and that this is a sure sign of intelligence.

At the end of the rollercoaster ride we will wait for the man who runs the show to unstrap us and we will run to Jenny. Her arms will be outstretched and she will be smiling, enjoying her children’s excitement and admiring her husband’s forbearance. We will eat candy floss from a woman who will have set out a pretty stall with the sole intention of pleasing little girls and boys.

The art and how I have destroyed it won’t matter any more. The memory of what Jenny has created will live on because it is enough that I alone have seen it exhibited solely for me in my own house. There will be no more talk of galleries and group shows. There will be no more talk of Jerome.

And when I get to heaven we will walk together hand in hand.

Acknowledgements

Thank you to my editor, Claire Pelly, for believing in this book from the outset, and for all her work and attention to detail. To Michael McLoughlin, MD, Penguin Random House Ireland, copy-editor Annie Lee, editorial manager Ellie Smith and all the Penguin Ireland team.

To readers of early drafts of this work, Aodhnait Donnelly, Nicholas Kearns, Jonathan Williams and Gisèle Scanlon.

To my professors and mentors at Trinity College Dublin, Ian Sansom, Deirdre Madden, Sean Borodale, Colette Bryce and Sophia Ní Sheoin. Special gratitude to Carlo Gébler for all his support and friendship.

To Chris Binchy, who was the first to read my writing and the initial draft of this book. His early encouragement has led to this, my first novel.

To publishers of earlier work, especially Banshee and No Alibis Press.

To all my friends, especially my fellow sea-swimmers at Killiney beach who make every day special, regardless of water temperature, wave patterns and wind mutability.