I don’t know why I worry about such issues. Mikey lines the ball up. The keeper is fooled and we are well on our way to victory. Their false belief that the game is over causes the lads to begin to sit back and lose a bit of concentration. It’s like watching Ireland trying to qualify for a major competition. They allow the other team to get back at them. I lose count after seven two and in the end we lose horribly. The full-time whistle goes and the boys are devastated. Nobody ever says it but I have a good mind to howl out that Dano shouldn’t have let in all those soft goals. I am aware that it is up to me as a manager to change the goalie if he isn’t up to the mark, but my problem is, I don’t really have anyone else. I tell the boys not to worry and I throw about some bars of chocolate, little packets of Haribo jellies, even packets of crips, Meanies and Hunky Dorys. I grab at a packet of buffalo flavour Hunky Dorys myself and I lick the spicy meaty flavour with my tongue from each of the small ridges. Thank God for crisps.

Come on into the huddle, lads. I have a bit of a story for ye all to think about. It’s coming into the season of Lent. That’s Lent and not Length.

They groan about not being stupid.

So, lads, Lent is a time of sacrifice. What do you think, do you know about it?

A couple of the lads say that they’ve heard of it. None of them admits to paying it any heed in their family.

So, lads, well, it got me thinking. Lent is about sacrifice, yeah. So with that in mind, myself and Maurice here have decided that until such a time that Lent is over, we’ll be giving up bringing crisps and crap.

I feel my control slipping. Dano, the fat kid, is not one bit happy.

How long is Lent exactly? he asks.

Forty days, I say.

And forty nights, Maurice adds.

But we don’t have to give up anything at home, Dano says.

Well, let this be a new experience for you. It’ll be a good thing for all of you lot. Less junk. You’ll be able to run faster. I throw a bag of treat-size KitKats about. The lads are like scavengers – the lot of them.

Dad, do you have to be so religious with the team? Joey asks.

Yeah, Dad, if no one has to give things up at home, why does it have to affect our football matches? They’re all at the weekend. We should be allowed to do whatever we want at the weekend. Don’t you think Jesus would want us to have fun? Mikey asks.