I think now about the days after our wedding and the fuss and the whole bother of it and the incredible sensation I had in my heart that day, like I could sell love and emotion, or both. I had so much to spare. But I’d keep it all for her, for Jenny. How stunning she looked – the dress that she spent ages choosing and how she did it all on her own. It was a pity her mother wasn’t there to see her.

Jerome and his fucking notion of taking her now when she has been through so much, her angst, artistic in nature and having those children. Jerome only has the one so he has no fucking idea how hard it is to have three. I still dream of Jenny begging the doctors to cut Maeve out of her. Like a sacrifice, how she would have agreed to anything to stop the pain, how she had screamed at them to claw her out, to use their knives. How awful it was, how Jenny thought she herself was going to die and I remember that I thought Jenny was going to die although at the same time I had no real idea of what was going on. But die she didn’t and that was a pure gift. As soon as I knew Jenny was going to be fine I became petrified, it was like a delayed reaction. When she had Mikey and Joey things were much better. Maybe she became used to having children after Maeve. Perhaps her beautiful vagina, or her birthing canal as the doctors called it, had stretched.

It still feels tight to me and secure, when I can feel it.

I set the table with knives and forks. I make sure there are spoons for the children for their mashed potato. I call my family and tell them dinner is ready. The children are watching a documentary about the Japanese tsunami and I figure that it isn’t a bad thing for them to know about the fragility of nature. I can hear them talking about it. I yell out that the people didn’t have time to get out of their cars, they were trying to get away as the wave levelled out and the bits of floating wood and general debris acted as rafts. They didn’t know what they were doing. How were they supposed to know what to do? I shout, even though I am only a couple of feet away from them. I am still here. I am still here thinking about the Valium I have added to the potato and wondering if I have added enough salt. The children try to leave the television on while we are having dinner and I tell them if they don’t turn it off I will switch it off myself.