I remember Jenny giving birth to Maeve. I can recall clearly the way she screamed in her special language of pain, a language that I couldn’t understand but somehow I could grasp and I was able to hold her down on the bed as she screamed and twisted. Screamed as though she was being attacked. A wailer, one of those people who scream their heads off in remote places. All for relief, as if the very act of shouting out will absolve the pain. I remember feeling so sorry for her but I was insistent that screaming wasn’t going to do her any good and so I held her down. Nobody can hear those people in those places and I thought more’s the pity for them. And she called me by my full name, Desmond. Nobody ever calls me Desmond, except for my mother when she was angry with me. I remember the time I hurt Brian. It was his birthday and I was disgruntled because it wasn’t my birthday and everyone was making such a big deal of him and I was used to my mother making a big deal of me and I wasn’t comfortable with this switch in equilibrium and I bashed his head against the kitchen wall and then I punched him in the face, until I drew blood.

I remember my mother finding me in the kitchen, with my head in my hands after I hurt Brian. It was unprovoked and it wasn’t right. Brian lied to her and said that he had stolen money from my room and that is why I attacked him. I think Brian could recognize how I was feeling, he understood my jealousy. He was so wise. I miss him but it’s not desperate; it’s more of a dull ache that I get on with. I hold my head in my hands in mock horror.

It comes back to me now, the present I bought Brian – a water pistol. How he threw it on to the kitchen floor after I hit his head against the wall. I remember that he destroyed it. I recognize that now, as a sign of retribution. What I wouldn’t give to have him here with me now so I could crush him with a hug and tell him how sorry I am that I ruined his tenth birthday. You can never know love or rivalry until you have a sibling and now I have none. But I still recall love and I still recall rivalry.