I shake my head and watch as the midwife does the honours. Tears fill my eyes as my little girl is placed on my chest. I cup her bottom and tiny head. Her eyes are wide open and she doesn’t make a sound. She simply stares calmly up at me, as if to say “Hi, Mum. I know who you are and I’m confident you’ll take great care of me.” I stare back, mesmerized and immediately afraid. I should say something or smile, but I can’t.

“Trish,” Lily whispers.

I glance up at my friend and her face is red and blotchy, her cheeks wet with tears.

“She’s amazing,” Lily murmurs. “Just like her mum.”

My heart beats loud and fast. I can’t let them see how terrified I am. I have to act normal. I’ve just had a baby – I’m supposed to be overcome with joy. I focus on the tiny, curled fingers of my daughter. Her weird fingernails are like pieces of cling film – too thin and fragile to be called nails. I will myself to look back at the face of my baby: to meet her unsettling gaze again. But when I eventually do, her eyes are closed.

She probably feels let down by her mother already.

As I have done so often in my life, I force myself to smile, lift my head and look around the room. My friends grin back.

“Welcome to motherhood,” says Emma.

“Does she have a name?” asks Mags.

Scott’s suggestion that I’d take one look at the baby and know what to call her was incorrect. I haven’t got a clue. This baby is more a stranger to me now than when it was growing inside me.

“No. Not yet.”

“Right.” Leanne starts to lift the baby off me. “I’m going to weigh her and give her a quick look over, then you can have her back. Do you have a blanket you’d like me to wrap her in?”

Nodding, I point to my bag. Emma opens it and pulls out the blanket Scott knitted. I’m not sure how it got in there.

“No,” I say firmly. “Not that one.”

She rummages around and pulls out another fluffy cotton one covered in brown bunny rabbits. “This?” she asks.

Biting my lip, I nod.

A few minutes later, Leanne hands my baby to Lily.

“If you could hold her, I’ll help Trish deliver the placenta.”

Lily’s eyes widen in panic for a second, then soften. Her entire body seems to relax and mould to the shape in her arms.

“Watch out, Darryl,” murmurs Mags.