“Whatever this is you’re feeling right now,” Mum says, “you need to be vulnerable and brave enough to talk about it. You can’t keep fighting it on your own. Especially now, when you have a daughter who needs you.”

“I needed you,” I whisper into Mum’s shoulder.

Her familiar scent is comforting and unsettling in equal measure. It’s another part of my mother I had no idea was locked away inside me.

“As much as I wish I could, I can’t change what happened, but you can speak to the right people, get treatment, be there for Rose the way I wasn’t for you.”

Sniffing, I wipe my face with my arm. Rose has fallen asleep with her lips still holding tightly to my nipple. Her tiny fist grips a strand of my hair and she’s frowning as if to say she’s holding on to me no matter what.

A streak of sunlight is cutting across the bed, turning her little bare feet a bright golden yellow.

“OK,” I murmur, giving Mum a shaky smile. “I’ll try.”

38

The next day, Lily takes me home. There’s a bunch of flowers on the table from Elliot with a note saying he’ll come and see me soon, and a lasagne in the fridge from Emma. Mags has cleaned the house, emptied the rubbish and made up the spare bed in my office. I’ve agreed to let Mum come and stay for a few days, and I can’t decide if I’m stark raving mad or excited. I’m definitely nervous.

“Thanks, Lil,” I say, transferring a sleeping Rose from her car seat to the bassinet. “I’ll see you tonight.”

She’s going back to work, then coming over later to help me eat the lasagne, but also because I may have begged her to be here so I don’t have to be on my own with Mum all evening.

Once Lily leaves, I step out into my garden, place the baby monitor on the porch step, then stretch my arms up and back, trying to release the tension in my shoulders. I retrieve my secateurs and straw hat from the small shed, and slowly start to deadhead my roses, the sun warm and reassuring on my back. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but colours appear brighter today and my head feels clearer.

I’m so absorbed I don’t hear Will until he’s standing right beside me.

“Jesus,” I exclaim, my heart leaping from my chest. “You scared the hell out of me.”

“Sorry,” he says quickly. “I knocked and knocked, then I came round the side of the house to see if you were out here. Stunning day, isn’t it?”

He gives me a quick hug – something he does every time he sees me now as if he’s making up for lost time. Not that I mind.