“You don’t have to come to the scan with me next week, Em,” I murmur.

“But I want to be there.”

Emma gives my hand a quick squeeze and I force a smile. No one – not even my closest friends – knows how much effort smiling can sometimes take. How many years I’ve practised, determined to hide the hollow void I carry around inside my chest. Truth is, I’ve been making myself smile for most of my life.

2

“She has the most beautiful skin. It’s soft and velvety and when she rubs against me in the shower, I feel like she’s made of silk.”

Mags can’t even sit like the rest of us. She’s pacing about Emma’s living room with a crazed look in her eye. I love seeing her so passionate. It makes a change from her usual even-keeled self. Mags is tall, solid, dependable. The one who checks you’ve got your keys and puts reminders in her phone of everyone’s birthdays. She’s close to saint-like, especially when it comes to looking out for others. As for her cats – I’ve lost count of how many – if Mags ever ends up having children of her own, they’re going to be thoroughly indulged judging by the way she pampers her feline friends. I wonder how the new girlfriend feels about Mags’ precious furballs.

“Did you actually leave your little love nest at any point?” Lily asks, pouring herself another glass of wine.

Emma and I exchange a sympathetic look. It’s not easy giving up on the booze, especially when the four of us are together.

Lily’s wearing one of her standard-issue work outfits: black trousers, black sleeveless turtleneck and black sandals. They tone in well with her cropped black hair and eyes heavily accentuated with black eyeliner and thick mascara. She’s not quite at the goth level she used to be at university, but she’s not far off. I avoid wearing black at all costs. It makes me look like a ghost.

“Of course we did,” gushes Mags. “We walked to the local village, and we hired bikes and rode to this amazing waterfall, and we visited an ancient temple, and…” Mags throws her hands in the air. “And lots of other stuff.”

“How exactly do you have sex?” Lily demands, blunt as always.

Em chokes on her ginger beer. “Lily!”

“What? I mean we’re all thinking it, aren’t we?”

“Not really,” I say. “I’m not sure that I want to know.”

Mags laughs. “Trish, you can take the girl out of the army but you can’t take the army out of the girl.”

I force myself to keep a relaxed smile on my face, even as my legs start to shake. Any reference to my family makes me raise an invisible shield around me. Impossible to penetrate. My friends had better not take this army reference any further.