Shame and guilt heat my body. Both of us are raging with emotion. Both of us want to tear the other person apart. That realization is all I can take. Tears spill over and I have to turn away from him. With my back to him, he tries to touch me and I rip my arm away from him. I shake my head and firm my resolve.

“Please leave me alone. I’m begging you, Evan. If you love me, please get away from me.”

Evan

The truth I cannot change,

I’m a sinner and I confess.

But I refuse to let her go,

She’s my love and nothing less.

I love you, Kat, and I’m sorry.

I text her again, the cellphone screen lighting up the dark bedroom in Pops’s house, my old bedroom. The glossy posters reflect the light that scatters into the room in stripes from the blinds on the window. The sound of the traffic is louder here and everything about it reminds me of the life I used to lead. The one before Kat. The one I’m so damn ashamed of now.

I’ll never forget the look of disappointment on his face when I showed up a few hours ago with a duffle bag. It’s like even he lost hope in me making it right with Kat.

It’s crushing to leave her. But it’s different this time. I get exactly why she needs space. This is why I never told her. She needed something to hold on to, though, she needed a solid reason to be pissed at me, so we could get through it and move on.

Still, I didn’t expect it to go down like it did. I’m worthless and it’s never been more apparent to me that my life is meaningless without Kat in it.

I swallow thickly as I lean back on the bed and fall against the pillow. I’ve never felt so alone. I wish I could take it all back.

My eyes close as I feel my heart slow and my blood turn cold. Being here like this makes me remember one of the last conversations I had with my mother.

She’d seen me with Kat while we were out one night. Just a coincidence, but she acted like it was more than it was.

Kat was a fling and a good time. She was someone I wanted more and more of and I made damn sure to monopolize her time until I had my fill, but of course that time would never come. I just didn’t know it back then or I liked to pretend I didn’t anyway.