I didn’t sign up for this, but I sure as fuck cashed every check along the way. My email beeps and it’s another message from James, as if confirming that exact thought: this is exactly what I signed up for. It’s what I asked for.

Let me know when you land. That’s all the email says.

I clear my throat as my hand clenches into a fist and I run the rough pad of my thumb over my knuckles slowly. My reflection in the screen stares back at me and I note the scowl, the dark circles under my eyes. The anger.

When I was younger, this was all I wanted. I get paid to party and live in a perpetual state of drunkenness. I lived for the thrill.

Kat used to love it too. Years ago, when we first met and things were different. I glance at the empty seat to my left and picture her sitting beside me. She used to play with the buckle on every flight. Unbuckle, buckle, unbuckle, buckle. At first I thought it was a nervous habit that had to do with a fear of flying, but it was just due to the excitement.

She loved coming with me to events. It was what we did together. Back when everything was the way it was supposed to be.

Back when life was less complicated.

Back when we were kids and I didn’t realize that life was going to catch up to me and her career was going to take off, placing us on two very different paths in life.

A huff of a sigh leaves me as I shift in my seat and look back to my computer.

I click over to the flight tab and see there are four hours remaining until we land in London. Four hours to sit in silence and dwell on each and every moment where I fucked up. Every step I took that led me to this very hour.

I turned thirty-two just four months ago, but I’m living the same life I had when we were in our twenties.

She’s the one who changed.

She grew up and I’m the one who screwed up.

I run a hand down my face, trying to get the images out of my head.

She can never know, but I was a fool to think I’d hidden it from her.

There’s no way out of this.

How can she love me when she knows I’m lying to her?

How can she forgive me for a sin she has no idea I’ve committed?

How can I keep her when I don’t deserve her?

Kat