We put in a full day, but it felt like two by the time it was over. All I wanted was to get out of there and go home. I was exhausted from forcing myself to focus on the script and not allow my mind to wander to Dianne’s predicament. I kept reminding myself that it was her decision, but eventually I realized that wasn’t exactly true: it hadn’t been her decision to overdose and then face the world over it. She’d been hoping to escape the whole thing altogether and leave the rest of us to deal with it. But I figured I’d rather have found her and stopped her than to have her death on my hands.

I cringe. “That’s a lot to go through!’

He shrugs ana flashes a half-smile. “Well, yeah, no getting around that. But you do what you have to do. I might not have tried as hard as I could to help her, but I don’t think it would have mattered in the end. She just didn’t see her life as ever amounting to anything. She didn’t think she’d make it through the illness, so she didn’t want to bother trying. Once someone has their head set that way, there’s not a lot you can do but pray for them.” He pauses; his eyes get sadder while I wait for him to finish. “I wish I’d been praying back then. It might have changed things. I don’t know.”

“You really think you could have fixed her?”

“Me? No, I couldn’t have. God could have”

God again. I hope my disdain isn’t clear on my face. I wait for him to continue his narrative.

Dianne and I managed to “keep things professional” as Carl had requested, and in fact managed to act like amiable coworkers, even friends at times. It was a bizarre dance that amazed many of the others on the set. Todd confided to me later that the cast and crew were betting on who would crack first. I really didn’t think either of us would crack, but even so, the end of the season couldn’t come fast enough.

When the end finally came, Carl hosted his traditional Happy Summer Hiatus party at his place in Beverly Hills on the night the season finale aired. It was a classic cliff-hanger, and we mocked ourselves while we watched the show and feasted on the decadent catered food. The final scene, a spectacular helicopter chase and crash that leaves Todd’s character’s life in the balance, sent us all into hysterics when we remembered the bloopers that had occurred during the taping. We rarely could watch the show and enjoy it the way the rest of the world did; all we’d remember were flubbed lines and stunt mistakes that made even the most intense scene seem comical.