“Thanks, I’ll need it. Just pray that I don’t look as scared as I feel. They’re like animals; they can smell fear, and they’ll use it to their advantage.” This got a laugh out of everyone, and I forced myself to laugh, too—if I didn’t loosen up I’d be dead by the time school started.

The next day I attended the district’s in-service at one of the intermediate schools, and then after lunch went back to my school to attend our own staff in-service. I expected all the other teachers to be mellow, but everyone was buzzing with anxiety about the next day’s events.

We finished early, and everyone dispersed to their rooms. I surveyed my room a final time, pleased with the décor and the arrangement (finally), and snapped off the light to head home. I’d be here early in the morning, every morning for the next four months, so there was no point in forcing myself to stick around if I didn’t have to. I stopped down at Amie’s room to see if she wanted to catch coffee, but she was changing her first day’s activities at the last minute and wanted to work. “See you bright and early!” I quipped as I left her room. She waved, looking harried, and I walked out to my car with a bounce in my step, forcing myself to be confident and calm, just as I had during the month before my move to California. I’d gotten through that just fine; I could do this, no problem.

That night I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling for six hours. I forced myself to stop looking at the clock every five minutes somewhere around 3:30 in the morning, and watched as the morning light crept into my window and across the wall and floor until my alarm went off at 6:00. I showered, dressed, and ate without really noticing what I was doing, and was amazed that I’d managed to coordinate clothes and pull myself together. As 7:30 drew closer, I felt surprisingly energized, and I hoped it would last the day.

I gave the room one final look. This big, bright room was mine. I was finally teaching! I stood before the bay of windows, staring out at the field behind the school, and prayed silently for confidence and calm—the two things I’d been faking all week and wanted to honestly feel rather than pretend.