“I don’t remember anything,” I admitted. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “All I remember is watching the show and … laughing about something … ” I thought for another minute, then shrugged. “That’s it.”

Carl nodded and thought for a minute. “We watched the show. We did the toast. Debra and Todd presented the gag awards, people sat around, played pool, talked. You and Todd were playing pool with Derrick and Debra, during which you reportedly drank about four Long Islands, and then Derrick mentioned Dianne, and you blew a gasket.” He paused a moment, letting the words sink in. “You ranted at Derrick, jumped him; he pushed you off, and you hit the edge of the pool table. You tried to fight him, he refused to comply, so you took off and fell down the front steps. We were going to take you to the ER, but you woke up a bit, so we decided to spare you and the show the bad publicity and let you sleep it off here.”

As Carl recounted all this, bits and pieces broke into my memory and surfaced as fragments like a dream. Somebody yelling, my side smashing into the edge of the pool table, a plastic jug of pancake syrup—my gag award for “Sweetest Love Scene.” I closed my eyes and hung my head, not knowing what to say to apologize.

Carl spoke instead. “This has been a rough year for you, Jack, I’m aware of that. I know you’ve been drinking, doing pot. You’ve done a pretty good job hiding it, but I’ve been in this business for thirty years; I can read my actors like a picture book. You’ve been pulling it off at work, so I didn’t say anything; you cleaned yourself up after the first time and I thought maybe you’d be able to do it again. But this is obviously a lot more insidious than I realized—than maybe even you realized.” I slowly nodded, eyes still closed, letting Carl’s clear, smooth voice wash over me. “I think you need to take a break, Jack. From DC.”

It took a second for his words to sink in, but when they finally did, I knew he was right. I didn’t want to admit it; I wanted to fight back, but I didn’t have the energy, and I knew deep down that I couldn’t take another season. I nodded.