BooksBarbecue
Back When We Were Friends
Chapters (52)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. About the Author
  5. 31
  6. 14
  7. 31
  8. 14
  9. 31
  10. 14
  11. 31
  12. 14
  13. 31
  14. 15
  15. 31
  16. 16
  17. 32
  18. 16
  19. 32
  20. 17
  21. 32
  22. 17
  23. 32
  24. 17
  25. 32
  26. 17
  27. 32
  28. 18
  29. 32
  30. 18
  31. 32
  32. 18
  33. 32
  34. 18
  35. 32
  36. 18
  37. 32
  38. 18
  39. 32
  40. 18
  41. 32
  42. 18
  43. 32
  44. 18
  45. 32
  46. 32
  47. 33
  48. 33
  49. 33
  50. Acknowledgments
  51. Discussion Questions
  52. Booklist

I sniffed and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. There was a rustling noise and glowworm Jessica climbed onto my bed, hood still tied around her face. She reached out of her sleeping bag and her hand found my hand. “And then?”

“Well, I’d been...er...deliberately hurting myself for a while. As that kind of er...helped me feel again.” Her hand squeezed hard. The webs of our fingers squishing together. “And, one day, it was so bad and I felt so lost and saw no point in anything anymore. I wanted an exit route, a way of getting out of this numbness I was trapped in, and I thought the only way to get out was to rip myself out, so I...”

I started weeping. Head on my knees. Back jerking. The memories of that day regurgitating through my head. The desperation. The cold decision. The calmness that descended as I went to the mirrored bathroom cabinet to find a razor, staring at myself, imagining my reflection not existing anymore. The way the world fell quiet. The nick. The blood. The sound of my heart racing. The blood, the blood, the blood. Doing what it was supposed to do—ripping me a portal back into the realm of the real, but then the blood wouldn’t stop, and I was back, but it was too late, I was going, going, gone...

“I don’t remember screaming,” I said, as tears sloshed down my face, the words gasping out. “But I must’ve done, because Mum came running up the stairs and couldn’t get in because I’d locked the bathroom door. She looked under the gap and saw...blood, and had to ring 999. I don’t remember any of that. I mean, like, I didn’t pass out or anything, but, honestly, I don’t remember anything until, like, two days later, when I was still in hospital. I’m not sure I want to really. I’m kind of glad it’s gone.”

My head fell against the wall in exhaustion, my knees slumped to one side. Reliving it always plugged my body back into it again. I expected Jessica to recoil at this point. To find an excuse to flee in the middle of the night. Or to change the subject, and then freeze me out at school the following week. I prepared myself for the pain and rejection. But instead she wiggled up so her head was level on my pillow. The wide whites of her eyes glowed in the dim light.

“You must’ve been so scared,” she whispered.

“I was... I still am.”