What was so stupid, was that I’d spent the whole week fantasizing about Liam realizing he was drastically in love with me when I got home. My parents had taken me to Tuscany for a week to celebrate my dad’s company having a stellar year. I’d spent seven days, lying beside a villa pool, doing nothing other than reread the entire backlist of Harry Potter. It had been seven days without smoking, without drinking, without weed, without smothering myself with eyeliner and going out to get wasted on a park bench with my friends. I’d just been allowed to be... Fern again. No makeup, a comfy swimming suit nobody could see, reading books I loved and listening to music I loved, rather than forcing myself to understand Hunter S. Thompson and Megadeath so the boys would think I was cool. And, there’d been no internet, no mobile phones. I’d just relaxed into the sun, let it tan my arms and turn my scars even whiter. I was returning home a new Fern. I imagined turning up at The Ram’s Head—the underage pub in town—freckled and chilled, tanned and mysterious. And how Liam would notice the change. Would look up from rolling his cigarette, his green eyes finding mine, and thinking, Whoa, Fern got hot in Tuscany. Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored her in all my English lessons after we kissed? And saying, “I know you’ve told everyone you don’t fancy me anyway, but I fancy you. Please give me another chance.”

But of course not, because of Jessica.

She tried ringing me twice while I was in baggage reclaim, and three times on the taxi ride home. I switched my phone to silent, so as not to arouse the suspicion of my parents, and stared out of the window, blinking madly as I digested the news.

Jessica and Liam together.

My best friend and the boy I had a major crush on.

How could she? How could she? But, then again, why not? In my desperate attempt to preserve my pride, I’d sworn to literally everyone that I was “fine” and “unbothered” when Liam sent me that text message after the gig. But I’d assumed Jessica knew I was lying...that she’d show some fucking loyalty and decency, but...oh God. It stung. Of course Liam got with Jessica. Of course. The only reason he had fancied me was because he hadn’t met her.

Ugly, disgusting, invisible, anxious, frigid me, compared to my fun, sexy, confident, alluring friend who always put a lighter between her massive tits.

“Oh my God, Fern, why haven’t you been picking up? I’ve been going out of my mind.” Jessica’s voice was breathless on the phone when I eventually returned her call, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, scratching the old scars on the tops of my legs over and over.