‘Chloe …’ I say quietly. This time I have no anger left to give, just deep-rooted sadness which causes my chest to sink as my eyes start to sting.

I grab the kitchen roll and go to the floor, saving whatever pasta tubes and meatballs I can on to the plate to return to her, before wrapping the rest in the towel and cleaning up. I’m so tired of this. Of continuously having to be the grown-up, of always having to be the one sorting things out. Of always being home. I’m fed up of having to be organized and patient as I hold up the fort.

Where have I disappeared to?

My phone starts ringing again. This time I’m not there to quickly mute it.

‘Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy,’ chant both kids while bashing on the table.

I take a breath and leap in the air and pick up the call, taking care not to get pasta sauce over everything in the process.

‘Hey!’ I say, managing a smile.

‘Babe!’ Nick beams. He’s sitting out in the sunshine. I can’t see anything around him but I know his setting is very different to my own at this moment in time.

‘Great timing,’ I laugh. ‘Chloe’s just spilt her dinner all over the floor. I’ll pop you here so you can talk to them while I tidy up.’ I talk so fast Nick can’t get a word in edgeways. His mouth opens to say something just as I plonk my phone on the table and rest it against the tub of wipes, positioning it so that both children can be seen.

I stand behind it and watch.

‘Daddy!’ sings Barnaby with a big grin on his face while Chloe looks at the phone bashfully, like butter wouldn’t melt.

‘There you are!’ says Nick, his voice rising in pitch. ‘Oh I’ve missed you so much. What did you have for dinner?’

‘Meatballs!’ grins Barnaby.

‘Ooh, was it delicious?’

Chloe has the cheek to nod.

*

Bathtime and bed wasn’t as chaotic as I feared it was going to be. Yes, speaking to Nick made them a bit giddy and overexcited, as did the Nobbly Bobblys they both ended up having, but they went upstairs when I asked, kept the majority of the water in the bathtub and listened when I said we only had time for two bedtime stories. In fact we had a rather wonderful time reading Bumblebear and Zog while Chloe lay in between my legs and Barnaby leaned his head against my shoulder. It was blissful, and definitely what I thought most of motherhood would look like.