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Back Walking on Sunshine Save as PDF
Chapters (46)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. By the same author
  4. Dedication
  5. 1
  6. 2
  7. 3
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. 8
  13. 9
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. Three Months Later
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. 18
  24. 19
  25. 20
  26. 21
  27. 22
  28. 23
  29. 24
  30. 25
  31. 26
  32. 27
  33. 28
  34. 29
  35. 30
  36. 31
  37. 32
  38. 33
  39. 34
  40. 35
  41. 36
  42. 37
  43. Epilogue – Five Years Later
  44. Acknowledgements
  45. An extra note from me …
  46. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

‘All is not lost,’ I say to Nick. ‘Going out there and trekking, putting my trust back into my body and having it surprise me when I thought I couldn’t do something was such a huge boost – to my mind more than anything. There’s a flicker of light and … hope,’ I say, the word generating a flutter within me. ‘I’m going to speak to my doctor and see what help they can offer, but I’ve also reached out to Pandas who support women going through postnatal depression.’

‘You think that’s what it is?’ he asks, and I see the guilt flicker across his face.

‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘I could wrap it all up in losing Pia but the truth is I’ve been feeling this for a while. I’ve just pushed through. I’ve got to the point where I have to stop and hold my hands up. Because I don’t want to get lost in that void again. It’s scary and I want to get out. I want to be free of those niggly feelings that tell me yours and the kids’ lives would be better without me. I want to feel like I deserve to be loved again. I want to believe I’m worthy of that love.’

And with that my husband sees me break.

All at once his resilient wife who organizes everything, who takes charge of the family affairs and is the matriarch of the house, crumbles.

My fractured being is exposed.

I splinter.

And while it takes everything out of me, it is fucking freeing.

‘We’ll make this work,’ his voice wobbles as he whispers in my ear, holding me tight, as though he’s trying to hold me together so that I don’t crumble apart. ‘Whatever it takes, whatever you need, we’re in this together and we’ll get through it. I love you, Vic. I need you to know that. You have to believe it.’

My chest swells.

I am not perfect and my husband knows that, he knows that and he still loves me.

He loves me.

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36

Zaza

Hopping into my bright orange jumpsuit this morning felt like such a luxury. The wedding was incredible, and my long pink maxi was quite the number with intricate lace detailing cut into its full skirt; however, I’ve created a work wardrobe I adore and I couldn’t wait to dive back into it.