Before Liam there were many frogs. Men who left me feeling broken and rejected. Yet, what about those flirtations that made my head go to dark and beautiful places, what about the times a connection was struck in the most unlikely of places, and what about the first kisses that left me gagging for more? I don’t have that with Liam any more. I knew where I stood from the start with him. There were no mind games, no confusion, he was just real and that made me feel at ease.

Yes, I’m bewildered when I think about my happiness. Not because it makes me look to my past, but because it makes me look to the future and leads me to ask far bigger questions.

I am where I wanted to be in life. This is what I’ve wanted for so very long, yet now it’s here I’m struck with the thought of never dating again, never having a proper flirt again, never having that tantalizing desire with someone new. No new firsts.

I wanted to be comfortable and remove the unpredictable, but now that seems like the scariest concept I’ve ever heard of.

One question loops continuously in my mind.

Is this it?

Unfulfilled, flat, lacklustre, distant. Is this PTSD? Am I acting out because I’ve been through such a massive, earth-shattering loss? Or have I actually stayed longer than I should’ve because of what was going on elsewhere in my life?

‘Babe, pizza’s here.’ Liam’s voice shouts up the stairs.

‘Coming,’ I shout, not moving an inch.

7

Vicky