To be truthful the real kick in the teeth comes at the end of the day, once I’ve juggled the kids and been pushed to my limits. Nick will come in the door wondering what’s for dinner as he looks around our newly tidied house, clearly wondering what I’ve done all day as he relaxes and allows me to take care of him like the domesticated woman I am.

Mum, wife, mum, wife, mum, wife. It’s relentless.

When did I lose myself in motherhood and wifedom? When did I stop just looking after my own basic needs? Did I ever look after them?

Life was varied and exciting once. Now it’s about getting through the day in the most guilt-free way possible – which simply leads to more guilt being produced. My life has become a hamster wheel. I have to keep going or I’ll tumble out in a rather unladylike fashion. There’s no other option.

With Barnaby long gone, I steer Chloe out of the school and head towards the library – hoping we’ll be able to catch their weekly story time slot.

I walk, with my head in a daze, wondering why this maternal side I was told I possessed doesn’t always seem to come into play naturally, why sometimes motherhood feels like a list of things to get through rather than enjoy and savour. I thought I was going to be a fun mum, full of joy and spontaneity. Instead I just bark at my kids and ferry them around.

There’s no thanks for the hours I put in, no gratitude for my unconditional love or understanding over how tough it can be. Just judgement, failure and guilt.

I can’t help but feel broken over what my life has become. All because of one thought that loops in my brain continuously: Is this it?

11

Zaza

I switch my alarm off and enjoy stretching out last night’s dreams. I adore mornings. That heaviness that sits on your body following hours of sleepy nothingness, of being allowed to just be and rest. At the weekend I could laze in that dreamy state for hours – enjoying the sheets on my skin and the relaxing softness of a new day. Weekdays are a little different as I have work, but I like getting myself prepped and styled for the day and creating ‘the look’. I have never been the sort to chuck something on without giving it great thought – the joy of getting creative is the only thing that ensures I leave the house clothed.

I roll over and am greeted with an empty spot next to me. Liam is usually snoring when I get up to start my morning routine so he must’ve snuck out of bed early without me realizing. A waft of something sweet and buttery cooking drifts up the stairs.