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Back Walking on Sunshine Save as PDF
Chapters (46)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. By the same author
  4. Dedication
  5. 1
  6. 2
  7. 3
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. 8
  13. 9
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. Three Months Later
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. 18
  24. 19
  25. 20
  26. 21
  27. 22
  28. 23
  29. 24
  30. 25
  31. 26
  32. 27
  33. 28
  34. 29
  35. 30
  36. 31
  37. 32
  38. 33
  39. 34
  40. 35
  41. 36
  42. 37
  43. Epilogue – Five Years Later
  44. Acknowledgements
  45. An extra note from me …
  46. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

Because we were only getting to see each other weekly before she left for uni it didn’t seem like such a huge deal to be doing the same when she was there. We found a balance and made plans to move in together as soon as she was done with her studies, and figured moving closer into London would be fun. When we eventually started looking we quickly realized how expensive it was going to be, so looked into doing a flat share of some sort. That’s when we stumbled across Vicky who had found a spacious three-bedroom flat in Hackney and needed people to fill it. Little did we know that flat would bring us two of our best friends: Vicky, who seems to have always had a maternal organized streak; and Zaza, who used to love a party. A year in and we knew we’d stick together for longer, although we did all decide to travel west to somewhere a bit greener, and cheaper. That’s how we stumbled upon Ealing.

My attention moves back to the squares on my phone, each one triggering a new memory, a new thought. I flick past a few, looking at the images in detail before devouring the words she’d pieced together underneath. Somehow the love of my life seems closer and further from me than ever before.

My chest hurts and I find myself wondering if any of the old songs are true. Can you actually die of a broken heart? Is that a thing? A part of me definitely died with Pia, and I don’t know what to do with what is left.

Who am I without her?

What do I want to do with my life if she’s not in it? Because from the age of fifteen she has been in every single one of my future plans. I met and married the woman of my dreams and we agreed to spend the rest of our lives committed to each other, loving each other and bringing out the best in one another.

What am I meant to do now she’s gone?

Is this who I am now? Have I lived all the joy my life had to offer me? Did it compact down into those seventeen years we shared? Am I meant to have already filled my boots?

Am I destined to long for her to be back here with me for the rest of my life? Will I forever be known as ‘the widower’? Will this grief become who I am?

Is this my life now?

Is this it?

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10

Vicky