I head home on autopilot, exhausted from experiencing such a mixture of emotions during the afternoon and having to hide so much from two of the people I love more than anything. Grief has brought us closer than ever as we try to comfort each other through this murky fog, but it’s also made us more distant in many ways. We all know that to be the truth. We suppress some of the challenging words and thoughts we want to say in the hope of protecting those who will be receiving them. Not wanting our own darkness to encumber what little light they’ve so far been able to shield from pain.

There were moments when I was hit by several different (and conflicting) ‘feels’ all at once, which was confusing to my brain. It’s no wonder it now feels fried. A nice bit of reminiscing about the funniest of nights could very quickly turn to us silently feeling the void of our new reality without Pia.

I felt good when I left. Lighter in some way, like you do when you’ve been at a dreaded funeral and celebrated the life of someone you’ve loved and realized how much they gave to the earth, but the closer I get to my house the heavier I’ve become.

It’s struck me that, no matter how difficult the afternoon has been for me, I was allowed to walk out of that flat and back into a world I have built away from my old housemates. I can’t imagine what it must be like for Mike.

Guilt descends on me with every step I take towards home.

When I arrive the front door closes behind me with a bang. I didn’t intend for it to make such a racket, but it’s as thunderous as my mood has become so seems fitting.

‘You OK?’ Liam calls out over the sound of the TV. I can tell he’s sitting on the sofa – which is exactly where I left him playing FIFA several hours ago.

I huff, moodily removing my Chanel clutch bag and blue teddy coat before hanging them up in the hallway. I kick off my pristinely white Superga trainers and place a hand on the wall for balance before bending over to peel away my sweaty ballet socks.

‘Babe?’ Liam nudges.

I hang my head with a sigh. Without looking up I know he’s closer now, peering around the doorframe to see what I’m up to.

‘Yeah?’ I reply gruffly at my trainers while picking them up and placing them against the wall. Purposefully taking my time.

‘I asked if you’re OK …’ Liam’s voice gets smaller.

‘What do you think?’ I ask, whipping my head up just as Liam’s eyebrows shoot up.

‘What?’ I stand, shifting my weight to one hip.