‘But I need to do something else outside of the house where I can be something other than Mum.’

‘I get that. We became parents but you’re the one whose life changed completely. Two weeks after pat leave I was back doing what I know,’ he says, his hand still firmly on my back. ‘For me parenthood was an addition to the life I already had, but for you it was a complete overhaul.’

‘Yes!’ I say, feeling like I want to cry at his observation. I continue slowly, knowing that I’m about to unload massively and that I need him to understand me. ‘And I think the trickier thing for me to address is how it’s affected my body and mind too, and how the two of them are so unbelievably connected to everything else. I’m a mum, and that is what I always wanted – you know that – however, there has been a black cloud that’s hung heavily above me for quite some time. I haven’t felt sexy. I haven’t felt gorgeous and frivolous and wanton. I literally haven’t felt anything. It’s like it’s been switched off. There’s just a sadness that floors me. Or maybe it’s less than sadness … sadness feels too giving in a way.’

‘But you’re gorgeous,’ Nick says, moving his hand to stroke my cheek. ‘God, I’ve never meant to put any pressure on you but I know I haven’t hidden my feelings of rejection, and I’m sorry.’

‘No … No. It is nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done,’ I say back kindly, my hand resting on top of his. ‘Honestly, at times I’ve felt like you must think I don’t fancy you but it’s not that, not that at all. You’ve been ringing a doorbell to a house where no one lives. And it’s that which freaks me out. But how could you know what I’m feeling unless I say so?’ I ask, realizing that as important as it is for me to ask for help and share my struggles, it’s also not fair to make him feel bad for not realizing what was going on when I’ve only just started to address it myself. I’ve wrapped this darkness up and kept it close. I’ve kept it secret while I’ve given it a home, and almost nurtured it into growing and taking over my being. I’ve fed it what it wanted and not said a word because that is what it wanted, because if I talked its hold over me would start to wane. Now though, it’s exposed. I’m beginning to see the lies it’s told and the shadow it’s cast over me. It is an illusion that I have unknowingly bought into – and that realization feels so overwhelmingly comforting.