I’m so confused by what is happening with Zaza right now. One minute we’re behaving normally, the next we’re upsetting each other with random digs and hurtful words. This isn’t the first time we’ve argued. We once had a blazing row over why I felt the need to put vinegar on our communal chips. It resulted in us telling each other all the things we did that irritated the other. We were in our early twenties and very drunk, needless to say, and the next morning I just climbed into her bed and the whole silly thing was forgotten – although it became a long-term running joke any time there was a bottle of vinegar placed near us.

This has been building though, and I know that I’ve fed into that. There have been times in the last few days when I’ve said something I shouldn’t without thinking, and have then taken her words to heart. I’m sure Pia would’ve just bashed our heads together and told us to grow up last night. She was always the calm and collected one when it came to dramas and squabbles, always asking people to look at the bigger picture and if the situation really called for battle lines to be drawn. The only time Pia really dug her heels in and declared war was when anything competitive was involved. It didn’t matter if it was a game of beer pong at a party, or rounders in the park on a hot sunny day – Pia would be there, a stickler for the rules, telling people what they’d done wrong whilst also getting her elbows stuck in for the win. If anything I’d say she welcomed a bit of bickering in those moments, knowing that it never really meant anything. It seemed to be the time she was released from being the rational, level-headed one – and she relished that freedom.

I shouldn’t have said what I did to Zaza last night, or have been chipping away at her over the last few days. Truth is I’m proud of her. She’s thriving while out of her comfort zone. I think I heard her complain more in the hotel than she has on this trek. I have no idea why I’m sniping, why I’m interfering or why I feel the need to say things that might upset her. Is it a friend calling out questionable behaviour because I’m worried she’s seriously going to do some damage to her life? Possibly. Mostly. But also it’s nothing to do with her at all, and all to do with me feeling on edge and unsure how to process my feelings.

I rest my head on my knees, trying to let the complete silence of where we are calm me.