I lick my lips.

‘At some point, they stopped working.

So I tried to go bigger. Better.

Fill the whole world with colour just for her.’

My ribs feel tight.

‘I drew the water lilies.

You wouldn’t have seen from the alleyway,

because to see them properly

you had to go up.

High.’

His knee is quivering and I wonder if he’s cold or just afraid.

I grip my laptop, tight.

‘I broke into the bell tower with her.

She was already drunk, but

I thought I could snap her out of it somehow.’

I shake my head.

‘And I took Jonah.

He was only four.

We climbed up to the top

and I tried to get her to see

– look

– stop.

For just a moment.’

He breaks off and I can almost feel his body like an engine, powering up to explode into something.

‘It’s okay,’ I whisper.

‘She – she was swaying all over.

Dancing around, singing about flowers.

I tried to stop her, but –’

The words feel like acid.

‘She picked

Jonah

up

and she held him

O U T

over the edge.’

My stomach lurches and I’m pleased that Rowan swings round to check on his little brother again, now laughing hysterically and chasing his friend round the tree.

His breathing splinters.

‘I just –

She was smiling.

Smiling as she held him.

And his eyes were so –

confused.’

His voice cracks and I touch my screen like he might be able to feel it.

I sniff.

‘Anyway.

I screamed at her in the same way

Dad used to, before he left.

I pulled Jonah away from her and

I wouldn’t let her near him again.

Not even when we got home.

And her drinking got worse.

And eventually

she disappeared.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ I say quietly.

I nod at my shoes.

‘I just wish I’d been able to

protect her

in the way I thought I could.’

‘You were just a kid yourself. It’s not supposed to be that way round.’

Jonah’s laughter spikes through the speakers.

‘Do you think he remembers?’

I shrug.

‘I don’t –

I can’t talk to him about it.

But he must remember something,

because he’s desperate to get up there.

“See the flowers,” he says.

But I can’t take him.

I’ve gotta protect him –

especially from that.’

I sigh, long and low.

‘Could you hold your hands together?’

I’m too busy staring out into the distance

at the tower that almost

killed everything.

‘Huh?’

‘Put your hands together.’

I hook one hand

inside the other

like a prayer.

‘Why?’

‘Because,’ I say softly, ‘I very much want to hold your hand right now, but I can’t, so you’re just going to have to do it yourself.’

And there she goes again.

Shining a light in the darkest of places.

‘I failed her,’ I whisper.

I squeeze my own hands, tight.