And I hope she can’t see how tightly I’m holding on.

Mum comes in and raises an eyebrow. ‘Not that I want to stop you putting a hole in the ceiling, but aren’t you going to be late for crossing duty, Cecelia?’

Cecelia jumps up and digs her phone out of her pocket to look at the time. ‘Oh shit, I forgot it was my turn!’ She pats my foot in a sort of goodbye as she dashes out of the door, taking all the air with it, and I listen as she thuds downstairs and into her shoes and out of the door all over again. Not pausing to look at the rooms down there. Not stopping to take in all the things that you can never be sure you’ll see again. Not pausing to stop. And see.

Mum shakes her head and then claps her hands together. ‘Come on, then, you. Bath – before I have to run off to school, too.’

And, just like that, my whirlwind life has blown away and I’m back to being bedbound all over again.

Having a bath = 5 spoons

Cecelia’s visit has left me with just a couple of spoons to last the day, so Mum helps me into the bath and runs the water.

I used to get embarrassed about her seeing me naked, but, just like the mermaid in the playground, there are perhaps more pressing things to worry about than whether it’s okay for your mum to see your boobs.

She starts humming an old Spice Girls’ song, and I want to listen to her. But it’s a bit loud and echoey in the bathroom right now, so I have to ask her to stop. We sit in silence instead as she shampoos my hair.

The silence feels thick now, like it’s swirling around with the steam from the water. It always feels this way after Cecelia visits. They’re some of the only times I ever really let myself lose a spoon to talking. Of course, I chat to Mum and Dad. And Manta, although he’s yet to say a word back. And there are doctors and nurses and physiotherapists. But none of those conversations are really Me.

And even with Cecelia I end up lying. Not a lot. Just enough to hide the worst of the Illness from her. Just enough so that she doesn’t stop visiting like the others did. Just enough to keep her coming back.

Perhaps that’s why I freaked out when I accidentally spoke to the new streamer. I’m out of practice. Which is a shame, because there was everyone else, rushing about their day with their heads down, always wanting to get to where they were going faster – more efficiently. Just like … other people I know. Knew.