“I’m so bloody angry with myself,” I burst out. “I’ve spent all these years running from my memories of Bella and everything that happened, to the point where I’ve let Dad deal with Julia’s illness all on his own, because I’ve been too damned scared to go back. I hate the place. It’s become like a phobia I’ve let run my life. And now Julia is dying and I’m still running? That whole crap-fest with Rebecca—it’s all tied to this. Ten years and I haven’t even begun to face up to it. I’ve left the wounds open and raw and festering and where has it got me? I’ve let down my dad. I’ve let Julia down. I’ve lost my job and may end up facing criminal charges. You’re the only friend who really knows any of this. I’m a mess, Soph. A stupid, pathetic mess.”

Sophie puts down her glass and leans in to hug me. “Oh God, babes, you are, aren’t you? A total mess.”

I let out a laugh that’s half sob and pull away to wipe my eyes.

“And still, knowing all that, admitting all that, I can’t face going back there.”

Sophie just looks at me.

“Don’t give me that teacher look. I know what I should do. I don’t want to be like this, scared to the point of hyperventilating over some bloody trees and a ten-year-old nightmare. I want to be…”

“You want to be a brave soldier?”

I laugh again. “Yes, I do. Screw Tanya Nibbington—I want to be Maeve Larson, intrepid detective, afraid of nothing. I want to go back and say fuck off nightmares, screw you, woods—you’re not haunted. I want to dream of my sister without it being a nightmare. I want to be there for Dad and Julia.”

She stays silent as my fear and conscience wrestle for dominance.

“Look,” she says eventually. “I can’t tell you what to do, all I can do is promise that if you do go, if you do channel your inner Maeve Larson—hell, forget that, if you channel the inner Tess, the one who can take on the horror show that is the eleventh grade and come out alive—I will be here for you, on the end of a phone and waiting with a bucket of wine when you get back.”

I waver and the woods crowd into the pause. I can’t stand the thought of going back, but how can I let my dad be alone when Julia dies?

My phone rings as I’m clearing up after Sophie leaves. It’s a mobile number I don’t recognize, so I answer cautiously.

“Hardy-girl?”

My throat closes up at the familiar voice and it takes me a moment to find my own.

“Max?”