Ruby said, “Can’t you just like leap on him and snog him until he goes out with you? That’s what I’d do.”

I bet she would.

She’s got Northern grit coming out of her ears.

I wish I had some more.

Rubes went off at one o’clock to have her roast lunch. She had to carry Matilda because she refused to walk.

I worked for another hour and then had a sarnie and looked over what I’d written. Hmmmmm. Right, I’ve been working on a scene between Petruchio and Kate for the Big Night Out. It’s like a rap battle between Kate the Shrew and Petruchio.

This is Petruchio’s bit. He raps it to Kate when she’s dissing him. I’ve got some spoons to rattle for the beat.

Listen up, sister.

Ayyeeeee.

You no queen

You mean

You not my mate

You my un-mate Kate.

Uh-huh

Oh yeah

Too true

You got a face like a shrew.

Right, this is Kate’s rap back.

Me a shrew?

Get you!

Petruchio

You is just a jok-io

Peace

Rastafari

Yo.

Well, it needs a bit of work, but my un-mate Kate is quite good.

When the Dobbinses got back, Dibdobs rushed up the stairs to see me. She held out huge lumps of moss to me. “Oh, Lullah, isn’t this fun? I found a cave with enormous supplies of moss. I’m going to make some cakes and I think I’ll even have enough left over to try a soup!”

Harold called up the stairs. “Darling, I’m just going to light the fire. We could try toasting some of the snails we found.”

I don’t think I’ll be having tea today. It makes me long for a local sausage and an egg from clubfooted Maureen. The boys have just been up to feed the shoe. In its box. Apparently, it likes moss a lot.

From downstairs I could hear Dibdobs laughing in delight and a popping sound. Harold was shouting, “Oooh, there goes another one.”

Could that be the snails? It’s a massacre of wildlife down there.

Just then something thudded against my window. Hurray, it’s the owlets!!! I opened my window carefully this time and looked down.

Oh goodness gracious, it was Charlie!!

Smiling up at me. He definitely has the phwoar factor.

I said, “Oh, hello, it’s you.”

He said, “Er, yes, that’s what I thought. Lullah, I just happened to be passing, you know, in the dark on a path at the back of your house and . . . I was wondering, even though I’ve been a bit of a prat, if you’d, you know, try and forgive me. And come on a picnic with me?”

At that point it started hailing. I said, “What, now?”

And we both laughed and he ran round to the front door.

Charlie was so sweet to the Dobbinses. He even had a piece of moss cake. And I think he might have been hit by a snail popping out of the fire, but he was too nice to say. After five minutes the Dobbinses made an excuse to leave us alone in the living room. Dibdobs said, “Well, boys, I think it’s time for our story. Shall we go and have our story?”