Because we were in a chalet with its own kitchen, Hal thought it would be fun to cook our own meals. But the boys didn’t like any of my ideas. They picked at the meals I cooked, claiming they weren’t hungry or saying they were allergic. They said they wanted to eat out, like they had done when they came with their mom. So for the rest of the week, we agreed on dinners out, lunch at the ski resort, and breakfasts at the chalet. The boys scarfed down bagels and cereal each morning before we headed to the slopes but left their crumbs and dirty bowls on the counter for me or Hal to clean up.

Hal waved it off as a minor blip in the big scheme of things. At least they were willing to get up early and get dressed for skiing, which was impressive enough, in his book. At sixteen, Jake wanted to drink wine with dinner because all of his friends apparently did, and besides, we were on vacation, so we should make it special. Both sons brought their portable Game Boys to the restaurants so they could rescue Mario and Pikachu under the table, while grunting at the waiters and eating with their hands. I believe I was the only one at the table who used a napkin. The boys made very little eye contact with me, speaking only to their father, even in response to questions posed by me.

“How were the slopes today?”

“Did you find your other glove?”

“What’s the best kind of snow for snowboarding?”

I tried. They answered approximately every other question. They looked up once or twice. It was lonely. Several times they wove in references to their mom and memories of times they’d had on previous family vacations with her, and what a great skier she was, and other stories of Audrey, which was fine.

But it wasn’t enough.

I knew I wanted my own child with Hal. I wanted my own child, period. My body knew I didn’t have much time. My libido had been going bonkers, telling me to get pregnant and to hurry up. But whenever we kissed in front of the boys, they’d groan and say “Get a room” or “Gross.” I learned to keep private our displays of affection.

I was determined to make this trip at least a bit of a honeymoon. So I organized a schedule and created my opportunities. Our agreement was to meet up with the boys for lunch at eleven-thirty and then again at the end of the day for dinner. Afterward and in between, Hal and I could be alone.