I nod. I am not going to fall apart over this. I won’t let him hear my voice break. But when he walks away, the words grow in my chest. “Thank you,” I yell.

He looks back and waves. His reusable coffee cup is hooked on his messenger bag. I wonder where he’s getting his coffee this morning.

— Chapter 15 —

It’s hard to pay attention at work knowing there’s a hot shower waiting for me at lunch. It’s not even just about the shower. I feel like it’s been so long since I was completely alone. Even at the campground there was always the possibility of people. I don’t know exactly what it is I want to do that’s so different from what I’d do if someone could see me, it’s just the idea that I can breathe all the way out, that maybe for a moment I don’t have to be ready for someone else to appear.

I’m so distracted I need to ask most of our customers for their orders twice. I accidentally shortchange one of the regulars and have to run outside to give him the missing five when I realize. Luckily Carly is at class and Bodie does stuff like this all the time, so he doesn’t see my mistakes as mistakes. But I hate to think of the Bodie catastrophes I’m not catching while I’m causing my own.

At lunch, I ask Bodie to make my sandwich to go. I walk up the hill to Adam’s house because walking to my car would take almost as long.

The downstairs door is open. I feel weird going right on in, worried someone will stop me, but no one’s around. When I climb the stairs, it smells like someone’s baking frozen pizza on the second floor.

As soon as I get inside Adam’s apartment, I lock the door behind me, kick off my boots, and slide around in my socks to look at things. The futon is back to being a couch, but the blankets and sheets and pillows are still stacked at the end, like maybe he’s planning for me to sleep here again.