I glance at him from time to time. There’s something sweet about someone feeling comfortable enough to sleep in front of you. The light from the setting sun makes his eyelashes glow. He doesn’t even stir when I hit a pothole. He has so much peace. He believes the life ahead will work out in his favor, and it probably will. In the grossest of thoughts, I wonder if I could go with him. If I could piggyback on his life, the end of his movie would be mine too. I could stay in Binghamton while he finishes school. Arnie could get his knee surgery, and I’d take care of the bar while he recovers. I’d be safe and warm and clean. Maybe, if this trip goes well, Justin would want me there. Or maybe, at least, I could visit him more. I could rest.

The sun goes from a sliver to nothing. Justin snores.

— Chapter 37 —

It’s easier, I think, to plunk down in the middle of romance. Or lust, or whatever it is. Justin and I know what roles we’re supposed to play, what goes where. There’s a script. A way to act. Friendship is so much harder. It needs time and I never have any. I don’t ever stay long enough to be a friend. The one time I tried to make a friend on the road, it turned upside down, and I never saw it coming.

I met a girl at a gig about six months after I left Ithaca, and she played guitar too. Her car was having problems and wouldn’t it be so much more fun if we traveled together? Wouldn’t it? It was easy, right away, which should have been a sign. I mean, Carly didn’t walk up to me and say, “Let’s be friends.” But I was too lonely to be leery, and that girl made me feel important.

She taught me to play barre chords and crack lockbox codes on empty rental houses. How to push back when a bar owner claims the take from the door was lower than it obviously was. How to pick the right guys to go home with, so you don’t have to spring for a motel room but you don’t have to give more than you want to. I needed her.

She found out, three days in, that I’d never been to the ocean, so she called a guy she knew in Asbury Park and booked us a gig. Two days later we were at the boardwalk. She ran straight into the waves with all her clothes on. I did too, dunking my head under water so she wouldn’t notice my tears. I felt like she gave me the ocean. Like all of it was ours.