“Yeah,” I say. “It’s just overwhelming, you know? It’s just—it’s a lot.” The picture is folded up in my pocket. I don’t show him. He’d want to show Ethan and Ethan’s been reading about babies too much. He’d see the elbow. He’d know.

Robert holds my hand as we walk to the parking lot. His fingers are still tapping out the heartbeat.

— Chapter 56 —

I buy a book. One that tells you everything you’re supposed to know about having a baby. I sit at the kitchen table and read the whole thing while Ethan is at a meeting. I hope to find some kind of wisdom that will put everything right in my brain, but each chapter makes me feel worse. There’s all this stuff about what you should eat and what you shouldn’t and pain management and tearing in places you wouldn’t even think could tear. Then there’s the section on how to take care of the baby when it’s actually here. None of it tells me what I most need to know.

I don’t want to be growing a person in my body. Even if the baby was Robert’s, I think I would still feel like I am trapped inside myself and my skin is too small and I can’t breathe enough air into the deepest parts of my lungs. I press my forehead to the cold enamel tabletop, panting like a puppy on an August afternoon.

“What are you doing, Angel?” Ethan asks when he walks through the door. “Are you okay? Is the baby—”

“Ethan—” I try to catch my breath. “Ethan—” and for a moment I think I will tell him everything. Ask what I should do. But if he knows, this family we have won’t work the way we have it. Ethan could tell Robert. Or he could not tell Robert, and I don’t know which is worse. I don’t want him to have to carry my secret or exist in the middle. He was Robert’s friend first. “Ethan, there are bones in my stomach,” I say.

“Huh?”

“There are bones. Like actual baby bones growing in my stomach.”

“That’s kind of the point, right?” Ethan says, putting his bag down. “Babies are supposed to have bones. It’s a problem if they don’t.” He kisses the top of my head and gives my shoulders a squeeze. “What are you worried about, sweetheart?”